Land of Me
by Mabby
Summary: A random comedy drawn out of my demented little mind in order to amuse you all. About a teen's trip to the grocery store and her ending up in an intergalatic war on the way there. Chapter 5 up!
1. It's the milk's fault

Disclaimer: I don't own all the various titles I mentioned in here, listed below:

_Animorphs_- K.A. Applegate

_FFR (Flash flash revolution) _

_MIB (Men in Black)_

_Star Wars_

_Twilight Zone_

(And I don't own Xenia, the Visa credit card company, or King Kong neither)

Mabby: The twisted result of when you stuff my mind and Animorphs in a blender and press 'shred'.

And by the way... can anyone provide me with insight in how to insert the little thoughspeak 'carrots' into my story? It's horribly embarrassing to have the thoughspeak indicated -like this-. And while you're at it... does anyone know percent signs too?

000000000000oooooooooooo000000000000000ooooooooooooo00000000000000oooooooooo0000000ooooooooo

It was just a normal day. A normal day running to the store so we could have milk for our cereal tomorrow. Ugh.

Y'know it's possible to eat cereal without milk. Or, if you really wanted to get creative, with a substitute of chocolate milk or something. Evil mothers and their intrusion on all our time. Gah.

Anyway, I was now standing there, arms crossed, eyes narrowed, and a finger picking the remains of my hasty dinner from my teeth.

Pink cap, blue cap, or green cap? I didn't drink the stuff enough to know the difference between skim or 1 percent. Something about having more fat in it. Ha, there's something else to scare the dieters.

I chose the blue cap. Perhaps my favorite color would earn me more luck.

Well, it turned out that my favorite color hated me, since the fire alarm whistled as soon as my fingers closed around the handle.

You see, the grocery store was shaped like so:

Most people are right handed, so they turn right in the store. (At least, that's what my mom told me) To the right is the fruits section, which led to the dairy section, which led to the grains section all the way over on the other side. All the good stuff was between those major points.

The dairy section was in the middle… meaning it was at the back of the store. The fire alarm had just gone off. I think this was where I say, "Oh shit!"

I clung to the milk, for-even with the risk of fire licking my toes-my mom would kill me if I didn't get it, and ran for dear life. People shoved their way past me, and, soon enough, there was a swarm of bodies near the entrance. Typical.

It reminded me of my favorite quote from MIB, "A person is smart, but people are stupid."

"Out of the way gramps! I ain't standing in no fire!"

Kay was right.

I could see the mob. I could see the entrance. As I ran, I could see the last person-aside from me-vanish out the door.

I was a hair's breath from that blasted doorway. I was just reaching for it when…

"YAAAAAAHH!"

The floor titled! No, seriously, I wasn't clumsy, it tilted!

I fell backward, turning and landing hard on a metallic floor. The breath was knocked from my lungs. Do you know how scary that feeling is? It's like your struggle for life, breathing and breathing but you can never seem to get enough air. It's as if you were in the airless vacuum of space itself. Anyway…

When I regained my senses I realized that the milk carton had cushioned my fall, probably preventing some broken ribs on my part. Unfortunately, the blasted container decided to pop right then, splattering me with white liquid.

Blue is no longer my favorite color.

I wrung out my shirt as I climbed to my feet, looking up from where I came. The whole friggin grocery store floor had split into two halves and caved in. The shelves and food had kept in place even with the slanted terrain. It creeped me out. It reminded me of those upside-down rooms they had at fun houses.

The door, I noticed, was covered in a metal shield-like thing that looked like those 'blast doors' in Star Wars.

Does this happen every time some brat pulled the fire alarm?

The floor suddenly lurched. Lurched. Not the tiny burp kind of lurch, the throw-you-to-one-side, stomach flopping over, knocking you to your rump kind of lurch.

And the 'floor' I was standing on began to rise. The incline was so smooth, I would of never noticed if the double doors of the grocery store hadn't of been getting closer.

When the doors became level with the obsidian floor I made a desperate leap for it… and slipped on the mangled milk container…

"OOF! OOOW $ $#&!"

…and landed on my butt. Hard.

My eyes blinked open and I realized that I didn't fall back on the rising floor, I had fallen _through _it. A vent-like thing had opened up below me in mid leap and… well… you can guess the rest.

Milk dripped on my nose from above and I frowned. This was perfect. I had managed to entangle myself even further into this wonderland of science fiction.

I heard the clank of footfalls rounding the corner from my position, and noticed that I was in a door-less, color-less hallway. I wasn't obsessed with aliens. I mean, I side with the argument that we aren't the only intelligent life in the universe-if you can call us intelligent anyway… heh heh…-and I watch the Sci Fi channel often. Even without this, any sane person could determine this setting was NOT man-made. The weird symbols on the walls further proved this proposition.

And now someone… _something _was coming around the corner. Some people would stay. Some people would be excited to meet a species aside from their own. Some people would be too scared to move.

Obviously, I am not one of those people. I bolted.

My own footsteps echoed with ringing clangs on the grated flooring as I rushed down the hallway and into another… and then another… and another…

To my horror, the footfalls I had heard before picked up speed, deliberately following mine. Instead of the slap of sneakers like I had expected it was more a numerous 'clip clop' of a horse's hooves. A horse? Well… duh. I mentally slapped myself. I was lost on an alien space-shippy thingy and I'm counting on Hawaiian-print clad tourists to pop out of the next hallway. Pfft.

But still… it was kind of hard to imagine a horse was chasing you.

Something dawned on me. If I was being chased by a horse thing then than wouldn't be fair since it had four legs and I only had-

_THWAP!_

_THUD_!

I found myself with a face full of grate, arms splayed out on either side of my being.

"My head smarts," I mumbled even before I realized it. I hated having two legs right now. I really, _really _hated it.

-Where is your Visser, Yeerk?-

"My mom won't let me have one yet."

Hey. With a lump the size of North Dakota growing from your skull it can be easy to confuse 'Visser' with 'Visa'.

-Speak up Yeerk,- the voice spat.

Or was it a voice? Maybe it was a split personality of mine. Or maybe my conscious. I doubted it. (Especially because my conscious hadn't been there for me my whole life, why would it appear now? If it was my conscious I would strangle it if I could.)

I lifted my head from the grated floor, coughed, and grimaced at the thought of grate patterns all over my cheek. I always thought grated flooring looked like metallic Swiss cheese.

Something cool, solid, but firm pressed against my neck. Probably the same thing the bastard had used to strike me with.

-That is far enough. Where is Visser Three?-

"Who?" I asked. The stupider part of me had the sudden urge to start humming the Twilight Zone theme song. Fortunately, the rarely-active smarter part of my brain ruled out that urge.

-This is your only warning Yeerk. Feigning ignorance will gain you nothing.-

Ignorance. Long word. What did that mean agai… oh yeah.

"I'm not feigning anything 'cause I really don't know what the friggin hell is going on. And what the heck is a 'Yeerk'? Isn't that some band or something?"

The dude towering over me was silent. I risked a glance over my shoulder, and stared cross-eyed at the object held at the back of my neck. It was actually a long, very, _very _pointy blade. Oh.

I followed the blade up to a strong-looking, blue-furred (blue?) to a rump resembling a horse's… and the rest of the body… to a chest-with really nice abdominal muscles, by the way-to an oval face bearing almond-shaped eyes with shocking green irises.

Oh, and did I mention that he had an extra pair of eyes on top of his head? They were like little puffballs that giraffes had on their heads, except in centaur-version. The dude was really a centaur… a blue… tail-bladed… creepy looking but strangely hot in a way… centaur…

"H-Hi?" I stammered out. I had never stuttered in my life. I suddenly wanted to hit my head against something. I chose my nearest resource. The floor.

WHAM!

"Ooooooowwwwwww," I moaned, glancing back up at the centaur-thing. He was still there. (With a very baffled expression, might I add. I didn't blame him.)

"Damn, so I'm not dreaming."

-You are not a Yeerk.-

"Nooo, really? What gave it away? My overall electric personality, or was it just my irresistible charm?"

Maybe it was just me, but the look he gave me then indicated that my irresistible charm didn't affect aliens.

The blade thing was lifted away. Not much, but enough so I could haul my butt up into a sitting position. I grimaced as my milk-stained shirt slapped wetly onto my skin. Ugh. Coldness. Ickiness. Yuckiness. Ew.

"So… uh… now what Mr. Alien? Are you going to… uh… nuerilize me or something?"

-You've been watching too much MIB, hon.-

Something nudged me from behind, and reluctantly I turned to address the speaker, assuming it was another alien. Instead, I saw a trunk. A big trunk. I followed the big trunk up, and up, and up, and then…

"HOLY GOD ALMIGHTY!"

I lunged forward and clung to the closest thing possible, which turned out to be a blue alien leg.

I guess I should've been thankful that the dude had moved his tail before I had impaled myself. I noted to myself to thank him for that later.

-I'm not _THAT _unpleasant, am I?- the… well… _elephant _huffed.

"Okay… I can understand aliens from outer space, and sometimes even-especially during school hours-inanimate objects, but elephants DO NOT TALK!"

The elephant pointed to me with its trunk.

-Not a Yeerk?-

-No.-

-I figured. Drat, I just remembered, I'm not supposed to talk to her.-

Then there was a disturbing silence. The alien and elephant were just standing there, staring at each other.

I narrowed my eyes. It didn't take a genius-and trust me, I was no genius-to figure out they had dumped me out of their conversation. Sniff… I felt so unwanted right then.

But when an actual gorilla came loping around the corner my grip tightened considerably around Centaur Boy's leg. He winced above me but I hardly noticed… or cared, for that matter.

-'Lo, Jake and Cassie and Tobias found the control room and I've come to fetch you so Ax can get-whoa, who's this?-

His leathery, shaggy face bent close to mine and I squeaked despite myself.

-She's not Yeerkified,- the elephant told him.

-I can tell, from the way she's attached to Ax like that. What's a junior high student doing on a ship full of Yeerks?-

My anger flared, "I am a freshman thank you very much!"

-Oh gee, sorry.-

I detected sarcasm but decided not to act on it. Instead…

"Who are you guys anyway?"

-'Fraid I can't answer that, yet, but we're not you're enemies. How'd you get here anyhow?-

I smiled weakly, "Would you believe before this I was trying to decide between 1 percent and Skim?"

-Ah, the simple things in life,- the elephant crooned.

-I believe Prince Jake is expecting us,- the blue centaur informed us. His voice… er… mental telepathy voice… thing… was strained.

-Ax? You alright?-

-I no longer possess feeling in my left leg,- the alien announced in monotone.

"Oops, sorry 'bout that."

I released my hold and clamored shakily to my feet, brushing imaginary dust from my torso.

The gorilla eyed me. Well, I think he eyed me, anyway. I scowled at him and he turned away. Yup, he was eyeing me.

Gorilla or no gorilla, a guy was still a guy.

"So… um… this 'Prince' dude wants you now, and you seem like an awfully busy group of zoo animals, so I'll just go along my merry way. Until the dolphin show, later!"

I turned to brush by the centaur but suddenly found that blade thingy at the end of his tail at my jugular vein. My head turned to face his.

"Hey now, what's your pro-"

I started when I realized his face was about two inches from mine. I gulped. Having an alien close enough to kiss you was unnerving, especially because this particular alien had no mouth. My first desire was to give him a new bruise, but whatever you may think, I wasn't enough of an idiot to deck a dude with a sharp pointy object to the column that connected my head to the rest of my body.

Finally, he pulled away and I found that I could breathe again. My palms were itching to deliver the punch that had been denied earlier.

But, although I wasn't in immediate danger of being decapitated, I'm sure that could easily change with a slight twitch of that centaur's tail muscles.

Pointy objects bad, very very bad. And annoying. Very very annoying.

-Ax?-

-She is not a Yeerk-.

"I thought we already clarified that particular issue!" I declared in a shrill tone. My voice held the teeniest notion of blooming hysteria.

The alien regarded me with those large eyes of his.

-I was only making it absolutely clear. We cannot afford betrayal now.-

I fumed, but had to hold my tongue from retorting. Whatever the alien said now it was quite obvious that he would be right, and I'll only succeed in digging myself into an even deeper hole. The deeper the hole, the harder it is to get out of.

So, amazingly enough, I clamped down on the issue. I didn't like it, but decided to reply with a seemingly-innocent remark.

"But answer me this, how does getting up in my face prove that I'm not… well… me?"

I expected them to look at each other, exclaim, "Wow! She's right! That IS pretty stupid!" and proceed to inflict mind-numbing pain upon my being instead.

-A Yeerk would never be able to stand an Andalite that close.-

Um… oh?

"But what if this Yeerk fella had a really good sense of self control?" I inquired. This was the time where I really should've shut up already.

-That's it,- the elephant grumbled, -I'm sick of this, let's just stamp 'Yeerk' on her forehead and feed her to the Taxxons.-

I scowled, ready to defend my question no matter what the risk. (Since I was guessing 'feeding me to the Taxxons' was a bad thing)

-All Yeerks hate Andalites,- the blue guy stated bluntly, in a I'm-right-and-you're-not-and-no-buts-about-it kinda way.

Unfortunately, I'm a stubborn little human, that I am.

"But what if-"

-You know what? Just shut up! I'm sick and tired of listening to your bull! Go drown yourself or something!-

"Hey! You weren't just shoved into an alien spaceship, rump first, with animals yelling in your face!"

-Why you little bi--

-Yo, Xenia, that's enough. Cut her some slack, y'hear?-

-I'm not going easy on some ditzy cheerleader with a death wish!-

"At least I don't weigh three hundred pounds and act like the queen of the world, your royal worthlessness!" I shot back. I was peeved at the fact that she had mistaken me for a cheerleader. I was the farthest from one.

I was also insulting an African elephant that could kill me by simply sitting on me. What the hell was I doing?

-That's it!- the elephant roared, trumpeting her mighty elephant wail and barreling towards me.

I nearly peed myself, I swear. I might've been all high and mighty a second ago but now I just crumpled like a browned leaf that some kid had stomped on.

Fortunately, I had myself a little guardian angel. A large, dark, and furry guardian angel.

-Rachel! Cut it out!- the gorilla grunted, struggling to restrain the enraged she-thing. I had the urge to cower behind blue boy again, but this was a full-force cat fight, that it was. I wasn't about to surrender my dignity and hide behind the nearest alien with a pointy thing on their butt.

No offense to that alien with the pointy thing on their butt.

"That she-thing," I declared, pointing to the she-thing, "Obviously belongs in a zoo. I shall return when the she-thing is behind bars. Later guys, later she-thing."

-Hey! Wait! Ax!-

You know about the alien with the pointy thing on his butt? That pointy thing was now by my neck… again. I hate that pointy thing.

-Hold on,- the gorilla panted, weary from holding an entire elephant back from skinning me alive… or sitting on my face… -You can't go… we have to put it by… Jake first… it's too dangerous.-

Alright. That's it. The gorilla is no longer my guardian angel.

"What?! Hey, you can't just keep me against my will like that! Alien or no, that's kidnapping! The law will kick your arse in this! I want to go home! Move that pointy thing!"

There was a faint rumble, and it was then I realized that the gorilla had released the she-thing and she had walked straight up behind me. The gorilla looked tense, as if he were to spring if the elephant displayed any indication of ripping my head from my shoulders, but the elephant-amazingly enough-had calmed enough and didn't look dangerous… to me, anyway.

-Listen… you don't know anything about the race we're up against here. They steal people's minds. Imagine going to sleep one night, and waking up with everything robbed. Your body, your mind, your memories, everything that makes you _you_has been absorbed and put under the control of some alien entity who possesses no right to your body, your life. You can scream all you want from your little corner of your mind but there will be no one who will hear you but that entity. No one will come. You'll be doomed to that fate as a ghost. Looking in but unable to participate. Do you want that? The entire human race that?-

I just blinked. The elephant shook its head in exasperation.

-Just think about it, alright?-

"Will do…" I murmured in a tone only she could hear. The elephant's eyes glinted as she moved away. Perhaps she wasn't so bad after all…

"So… um…" I coughed lightly, "I can't go back?"

-No, not yet. C'mon Ax, let's go. Hey, if you're good I won't haul you bodily with us, deal?-

"Um… right, deal…" I guess I was still a bit shocked by the elephant's little speech. I guess I hadn't realized… now what?

I suddenly found myself swept up into one hairy gorilla armpit. I wrinkled my nose. Ew… just… ewww.

-Jake'll skin me alive if we allow you to escape,- the gorilla explained.

"What? You don't trust me?" I muttered darkly.

-Well… no-

Figures.

-Even if you did run away you'd have nowhere to go,- the elephant added.

I then realized that getting out the way I came in was out of the question unless I was a kangaroo, "Well, then how'd YOU get in?"

-As flies-

I decided not to ask.

-Marco...-

-I know Ax, let's go. Xena…-

-Let's do it!- the elephant crowed merrily.

King Kong groaned in my head. 'Let's do it!' must translate as 'Let's go kill ourselves!' in their world.

Centaur-boy darted forward with King Kong in tow. 'Xena' covered our butts.

Well… so much for watching the latest episode of _Buffy _tonight.

Every passing hallway was the same, white, endless, _blah_. I tried counting doors, but got bored and zoned out near fifty seven.

_I had a dream about this once_, I thought, _except someone was chasing me and there were no doors._ I had always woken up before that dream ended, although this place was giving me serious déjà vu.

Although I wasn't carried by a huge gorilla and watching a blue centaur's rump the entire time. It wasn't much amusement, but it was some distraction to King Kong's serious B.O.

At last we reached a pair of doors that resembled those of the 'blast doors' in Star Wars… or those grocery store doors. Centaur-boy couldn't seem to get it open by trying to hotwire the control panel (at least I think that's what he was doing) so Xena stepped in and made a door for us.

_CRUNCH!_

Who knew steel was so flimsy?

We emerged into chaos. Two sides were going at it. One side consisted of humans and these raptor things with a generous amount of blades decorating their bodies. The other with an assorted array of zoo animals.

A stray red beam headed towards me and all I could do was gawk stupidly at it. A shadow shielded my face and I heard a hiss and sniffed burning flesh. King Kong had placed one of his massive hands in the path of the beam.

"Kong!" I cried, grabbing the hand before me and flipping it over. I grimaced at the sight of smoldering pink skin and the scent of putrid flesh. The hand was yanked from my grasp, nearly taking me with it.

-Get down and shut up!- King Kong yelled, throwing me away from him. I landed in an ungraceful heap behind a piece of smoking machinery.

Battle raged beyond my force field of metal, and I curled up into a fetal position and shut my eyes. It was hard to imagine it was all a dream, so I mentally rooted for Xena, Kong, and Centaur-boy.

A slam next to my ear interrupted my thoughts. It definitely wasn't human. Maybe it was Xena!

I peeked and was utterly disappointed. It was a raptor thing I saw earlier. I squeaked. The thing was walking death!

"Kill," the bladed grim-reaper uttered in a guttural grunt. An arm blade dropped.

I didn't know what it was. Perhaps it was natural instinct or the impulse of the moment. Or maybe I just turned to sneeze.

Whatever it was I rolled to one side, effectively dodging the evil blade of death. The pointy-thing-that-could've-ended-my-life sunk into the machinery behind me. Howling, the raptor tugged but to no avail. His blade was well embedded in the metal.

Shrieking, he lashed out with his left arm. Unfortunately for him, I squatted to his right, and it was very difficult to reach me with his opposite arm. Unfortunately for me, these raptor things had VERY long arm spans.

"Owwww!" I howled, clutching my offended shoulder and leaping back. It had only grazed me, barely, but nevertheless shaved a half of an inch of skin from my arm. I ripped a piece off my ruined shirt and pressed it to the oozing wound.

Glaring balefully at the obviously-triumphant alien I scooted backwards until I was pressed into a corner, efficiently hidden by broken machinery and torn wires. The only thing that could see me was the raptor who had attacked me, yet he was still ensnared by the metal and nobody was paying very much attention to his yapping and gesturing towards my general direction.

I watched from my little corner a massive tiger pounce on the trapped raptor and… well… let's just say that he wouldn't be around to see the end of this little spat.

The tiger paused, raising his nose to the air as if something troubled him.

_Please don't let him look this way, _I prayed, _Please__ don't let him notice the scared-shitless teenager cowering in the corner. Please oh please oh please!_

I held my breath, although my heart was beating a mile a second and I was sure if anything had captured his attention that would be it.

It seemed someone up there liked me, since the big feline was suddenly distracted by a trigger-happy human.

Yay. Now I could cower in peace.

-Girl!-

I blinked sleepily and glanced up. _How long was I out of it? _I remembered getting rather bored and beginning to daydream. It was a rather stupid thing to do, doze off on a battlefield, and I have no idea how the hell I accomplished it. All I knew now is that my cramped feet were asleep, there was a crick in my neck, and Kong was yelling in my head.

-Girl! Are you out there!? Answer me!-

-Marco?! What in the world are you doing?!- a new, irritated, and very male voice demanded.

-A girl stumbled in the ship a while back, not a Yeerk, and I tossed her behind this rubble…- Kong trailed off.

The gorilla suddenly came into view, peering over the mountain of metal where I once was and gazing at the mutilated raptor. He absorbed the bloodstains my wound spilled before I bound it with a sadness in his eyes. I sank deeper within the shadows of my hiding place.

-You know if she'd of survived we'd have to take care of her, right?- the male voice stated softly. The tiger padded up beside the gorilla and I realized the voice belonged to him.

-I know…-

I took this as a shock. Take care of me? I was glad I hadn't answered Kong's call in the first place.

-Marco? Are you alright?-

There was a silence, and then… -Yeah man, sure. Let's go-

The fact that Kong was reluctant to leave didn't quite register, my head was still reeling from their earlier words and how the heck I would get out of here.

A sudden lurch broke into my musings and threw my head against the wall beside me. It exploded in pain and I saw stars. I couldn't help the shrill cry of alarm and hurt that escaped my throat, and I clamped my hands over my mouth to muffle the sound.

Though it was too late, and the tiger's eyes immediately flickered towards my direction.

-Marco!- he cried. Yet his voice was lost in the commotion as a million men and women poured into the room.

I shoved myself up and through the throng of bodies. Nobody made any move to stop me nor pointed those scary, box-like weapons my way. Everyone was too intent on getting the zoo animals. Maybe there IS some advantage to being human.

Yet one person didn't move when I shoved my way through the crowd, and I ended up barreling right into his blue, furry chest.

I blinked. Blue?

Gazing upwards clarified it. It was the same species that Centaur-boy was, although it was far too large and muscular to be Centaur-boy. Perhaps it was his father?

I didn't have much time to dwell on it since two large paws slammed into me, knocking me to the ground in one painful maneuver.

It took a few moments for me to realize that the tiger had pushed me down to save me from being decapitated by the older centaur's tail blade. The movement was so fast I hadn't even noticed beforehand, and only by the whistling that followed.

By this time the two were already in a heated discussion.

Visser Three

A confident laugh followed, -I see you managed to dismantle my newest creation… very good!-

Silence from the tiger.

-Nothing to say? Perhaps your comrades will think differently when their life is in danger-

More silence.

-Why won't you answer me?! Must I torture you, Andalite? Is THAT what you want?-

And yet… more silence. By this time the guy was utterly peeved. He used the only resource he had left.

-So, Andalite, you stoop so low only to save a human's life? Or perhaps this one is more than-AI!-

Well… by this time I had grown tired of his haughty attitude and a tiger using me as a recliner. I did the only thing I felt was necessary… and since ol' Simba wasn't doing anything about it…I bit blue boy's ankle.

He swore loudly in some other language and hopped away. The tiger felt this was an opportune time to tackle the 'Visser' to the ground.

Meanwhile I was cradling my poor jaw. My little stunt had gotten me a mouthful of hoof.

The no-longer-friendly humans pressed in, wielding their weapons as if their lives depended on it. A few yards away a battle raged on with Kong and his buddies. Human bodies graced the sky and floor.

A man grabbed for me but I hit the ground again, doing the army-crawl under people's legs. Amazingly enough, it worked. Except for the fact my jacket was now dotted with various footprints.

A large, gray wall loomed overhead and I bumped right into it. Stupid wall. I glanced up and my heart soared. This was no wall, this was a door!

It was one of those swinging doors they had in lunchroom cafeterias. _What's cafeteria doors__ doing in an alien spaceship?_

Oh well. There was no time to dwell on basic fact. I lunged for the lock and slid the bolt out of its confines…

…and ran for dear life.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Right! No, left! Arrgh! Screw directions!

The double doors led strait to an incline of stairs. I dashed as fast as I could on wobbly legs. From the commotion behind me, it felt as if the entire world was on my butt.

See girl run. See girl run badly. See girl run right into a McDonald's kitchen.

Hold up… McDonalds?

Sure enough, I burst into a greasy, grimy, unsanitary, but strangely yummy fast food kitchen and bumped into an acne-infested employee.

"Whoops! Sorry!" I trilled in a squeaky voice. I eyed his cute little hat. I always wanted one of those.

"Hey! Gimme back my ha—AAAAHHH!"

It seemed the mob had found their way upstairs. It also seemed time for me to leave.

"BONSAI!" I whooped, hurtling over the counter and through the doors.

I felt sorry for the children and mothers whom were happily enjoying their fat-intensifying meals and were suddenly swallowed by a mass of box-wielding bodies. Aww… poor them.

Too bad I felt more inclined to save my own ass at the moment.

The stone clunked against the trash can, scattering the cluster of pigeons who dared mock my wrath with their dreadful cooing.

Stupid birds. Stupid trashcan. Stupid boredom.

Booooooored.

I glanced up at the sky, marveling at the fiery mood of sunrise.

It seemed like hours since the ordeal. The screams and rush of feet had long since faded, and even my blasted cramps had dwindled.

Fortunately I had lost my pursuers in the back alleyways between stores. Can I get a hurrah for growing up in this section of town?

The only thing that wouldn't leave my thoughts was Kong… or… Marco, as that tiger called him. Half of me hoped he was alright, and the other half was kicking the other and saying to clam up and stop sniveling about it.

Why was I worried about him anyway? He was a three-hundred-pound monkey, for God's sake! I'm a what? A one-hundred-forty pound slab of human meat. I was lucky to get by with only a rather deep scrape and cramps.

_Still… I hope he's okay…_

_Aw, shaddup, he's FINE! Now, how do I get home… ?_

_But… but… shouldn't we check if he's out there? I mean-_

_-and get mauled in the process? Um… NO!_

_But-_

_We're GOING!_

"OW!"

I fell off my chair-which was a 100-year-old crate-and onto my back. My left cheek smarted and I caressed it gingerly. Bwha. I had punched myself. How smart. Hurrah for split personalities.

I stumbled to my feet clutching my shoulder. The wound had broken open and had proceeded to leak through the crude bandaging. Damn. I think it was time to go home.

I knew it was a rather far-fetched home, (since it was rather obvious) but I could only pray that I didn't need stitches. I could imagine it now…

_Oh… yeah mom… er… this big bladed raptor thing cornered and nicked me a little on my shoulder in this spaceship that was hidden under the grocery store and then I was chased by an angry mob. So… that's why I'm late… really!_

Right.


	2. Decking Chapman

Disclaimer- I do not own Animorphs nor any of its characters.

Mabby- I'm really sorry if this story is basking in cliché-ness, I'm trying to make it so it's not just a typical get-together story, so if it's too common for you let me know so I can tweak it. I live for your reviews, so review even if you have nothing to say. It makes me feel all good about myself and stuff, y'know?

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"Owww! Shit mom! That friggin HURTS!"

"Well, I'm not the one that fell off her bike, now, am I?"

Fell off my bike… heh… sure.

"So I'm a klutz, okay? Can't you be a little gentler though?" I whined.

Somehow I managed to stumble home last night and climb the tree outside my window and straight into bed. I had done it on many occasions before when sneaking to and fro to forbidden parties. C'mon, you didn't really expect me to be a good little girl, did you? I blame it on my socks. The socks made me do it.

Except the next morning I had awoken face-first in a pool of dried blood from the slash across my arm. It was a bit hard to hide THAT from my mom.

So, here I was, uncomfortable in my crusty, blood-stained clothing and wincing as my mom inflicted some medieval torture in order to 'make me feel better'. Oh, yeah, on top of it all, I was grounded for 'forgetting' the milk. Bah, who grounds their kid when they're drenched in their own blood? Spawn of Satan! Feel the wrath of my nagging!

"Would you STOP nagging? You need to go to school in thirty minutes as it is!"

"School… ?" I echoed, staring at her, "You aren't serious!"

She just looked at me and I cowered under her gaze. Yep, she was serious. Mother's looks are even scarier than one of those bladed raptors, I swear.

_This is child abuse! Or abuse of a cripple! Cripple! Cripple!_

"Okay, done. Now shoo!"

I looked down.  
"Yaaaah! Where's my arm?! Mom! Help! Some ginormous butterfly has built their chrysalis around my arm! Heeelppp me!"

"Stop being a smart-ass, you needed the extra bandaging. Go to school," she ordered, vanishing through the doorway.

It was just bandaging? …oh. I guess she thought I was being sarcastic.

"But I was serious," I grumbled, peeling my stiff shirt and jeans from my body. Stupid mothers. Stupid school.

I paused in front of the mirror, squinting at the tired eyes that stared back at me.

_A lot of shit happened last night, and yet here I am. Another boring morning, another day of school._

"I guess I have to forget the whole thing ever happened," I declared bitterly. Oh what joy. At least I had fifty layers of gauze as a souvenir.

"Ooooh, did you get laid or something?" a voice slurred behind me. I whirled around.

"Why you-"

_THAWP!_

_THUD!_

I blinked. The speaker lay sprawled across my bedroom floor, clearly out cold. Apparently mom's bandaging was good for something.

_Woot! I clothes-lined the pervert! Go me! Go me!_

I did a little victory dance to celebrate. Ah, the little things in life.

"Perv," I muttered, delivering him one last bruise before slipping into my closet and into a tank top. There was no way in hell I would've been able to get a shirt on over mom's handiwork.

I glanced at the clock. Ten minutes till school started. My bike had a flat tire (I let the air out to prove my innocence) and the school was two miles from my house.

Aw crud.

"Jesus, Sammie, what happened to _you_!?"

Yup, that's my name, Sammie Davis. It's actually Samantha, but I utterly despise the name my mother gave me (for that reason). And so… it's Sammie! Oh… I forgot to mention that in the first chapter? Oops, sorry!

"I was run over by a truck," I answered cheerfully.

"You were run over by a truck and you're smiling about it?" Jenny wondered incredulously.

"Well, I didn't die, did I?"

"Ah."

Jenny has been my best friend since we were diapers. We were a duo, that we were, inseparable as the gum stuck under the lunchroom tables. Bwha.

"Um… Jen-Jen?"

You laugh at my nickname for my friend I'll strangle you.

"Yeah Sam-Sam?"

You can laugh at her nickname though.

"A little help?" I waved my white cocoon of an arm in her face.

She smiled, and, being the handy little person she is, whipped out a pair of scissors.

When the bandaging was a reasonable size and no longer pulled me down like a lead weight we headed off to our third class, Geometry. Surprisingly enough, I had made it in time for the last half of second period. Hurrah for running until I nearly passed out!

"Marco! Hold this book for me, will ya?"

I froze in my tracks. Marco? The gorilla?

Turning my head side to side, I spotted the speaker, a semi-bulky, very cute brown-haired boy whom which was standing by his locker. The boy which he piled his books onto was an olive-skinned, dark-haired shortie who I guessed was Marco. Hey, how many 'Marco's' were there in the world?

"Er… Sammie, what are you doing?"

I noticed that I had subconsciously ducked behind Jenny. She was taller than me so I found no reason why she was looking at me like I had sprouted another appendage.

"Hiding," I answered innocently.

Jenny followed my previous gaze and smiled, her eyes knowing.

"From Jake? The gorgeous hottie from the tenth grade? I hear ya."

She must've meant Marco's friend. I smiled weakly. "Urr… sure."

Jenny suddenly grabbed my hand, "C'mon! Let's introduce ourselves!"

My stomach imploded or something. Introd…NO WAY IN HELL!

_Run away! _

"Urr… sorry Jen-Jen... um… I gotta pee! See you in math!"

"Sammie, wait!"

But I was gone like a diet, dashing down the hallway as if my tail were on fire.

_Stupid Jenny! Stupid, pretty, popular Jenny! Arrgghh, why'd she have to be so confident when it comes to BOYS?! I friggin don't WANT to find out if Marco's Kong or not!_

"Hey!"

Someone seized arm. My bad arm, in fact. Pain spread like a wildfire up my shoulder and into my mind.

_Kill! Die ebil person!_

Unfortunately, the 'ebil person' was the school's principle, Mr. Chapman.

"Holy sh-I mean… urr… Holy Moses! I'm sorry Mr. Chapman! Sorry sorry sorry sorry!"

I apologized profusely as the principle picked himself off the floor. Crud, I just punched the principle of our school! Not a teacher… noooo, the blasted principle! I'm dead dead dead dead dead dead-

People who passed by either stared or laughed, knowing my fate.

-dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead-

"Miss Davis, may I please speak to you in my office?"

-dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead-

"Urr… sorry Mr. Chapman… um… I'm kinda late for Geome-"

"_Now_, Miss Davis."

"Yes sir!" I squeaked.

I was dead. Very, very dead. I want 'killed by punching principle' on my tombstone. Or 'mutilated by punching principle and later killed by angry mom' or…

"Sit down, Miss Davis."

I plopped down in a hurry, watching with wide, rabbit eyes as Mr. Chapman circled his desk and sank into his comfy, wheelie chair. I wanted a wheelie chair.

The principle rubbed his cheek, glowering at me. I wished my evil non-wheelie chair would swallow me up right then.

"Why, Miss Davis, did you feel obliged to strike me?"

"I'm s-sorry Mr. Chapman, you grabbed my bad arm and I think it was… urr… instinct, yeah, that's right, instinct," I babbled out, "I'm really, _really _sorry. Please don't kill me."

I could've slapped myself for letting the last part slip. Stupid tongue.

To my surprise, he laughed. He released this large, hearty chuckle that most people would've felt a huge swell of relief at. Unfortunately, I was not one of those people. Grownup laughs scare me. Like the thick dread you have before something deadly happens. My palms were sweating and my sudden surge of adrenaline wouldn't dissipate. Grownups of his position in my life (the ultimate boss of my next four years at this school) shouldn't be allowed to talk to paranoid freshmen like me.

"Samantha," he addressed me by my real name this time. I wondered how principles always seemed to know the name of every kid in school, "Why do you think I would kill you?"

Okay, I was officially freaked out. The way he spoke… it reminded me of how the evil blue centaur, the larger of the two I met that night, had spoken to that tiger. It made me want to curl up and die. I hate grownups.

"I'm sorry… I've just… I've never been to the principle's office before."

Which was a true statement. Not once in my life. I'm so good.

Chapman seemed to visibly relax. I wondered at that, but frankly didn't really care. I just wanted OUT!

"I know, I and understand that your action was only of self defense…"

My hopes rose. Maybe he was going to let me go!

"…and so I will let you off with only a week of detention."

Crud.

"But you should keep a better handle over your anger, Miss Davis…"

Uh oh, it's back to the 'Miss Davis' thing.

"…so I suggest this group, The Sharing, to help. It's a wonderful group. They have a camping trip coming up for new members soon, so I hear. You should think about attending."

I wasn't really listening. I was too busy wallowing in my eagerness to escape that horrid room.

"Thank you sir, and I'll look into it. Thank you."

_And thank you for not kicking my ass, you old fart._

On the way back to class (I had a hall pass with no time on it, so I was taking my time) I studied the brochure Chapman had given me with detached interest. The guy had seemed really into the idea of me joining the group.

From the looks of things it wasn't some boring therapy club, nor a parent-infested teen deathtrap.

_What the hell? I'm actually considering a group the PRINCIPLE, of all people, is recommending?! Who AM I?!_

The Sharing, huh? Why did that sound so familiar?

And then it came to me. That was the name of the group my dad was a part of, before he died, that is. Apparently his truck had caught fire on the way to one of the Sharing's meetings, and that is why he had crashed. Therefore ruining my mom's life and making her a cold-hearted harpy, which in turn ruined my own.

With that recollection in mind I crumpled the brochure and threw it at a trashcan.

Whoosh! Three points.

"Whaaaat?! You PUNCHED Chapman?! Ohmigod!"

"Jen-Jen, shhh!"

It was after school and we were ordering smoothies from the mall's 'King Smoothie'. Jenny had found some extra cash under her mattress this morning, and the last thing I wanted was to go home.

So here we were. Yum, smoothieness.

"That is, like, totally heroic of you Sammie! Every teen of this school commends your efforts!"

"It was an _accident _Jenny! And lower your voice, people are staring!"

I fit one of my teeth inside the straw of my banana smoothie and took a long, cold slurp. Yum. Slushies to calm my nerves.

Jenny clapped me on the back, leading me towards one of the booths. I brushed the annoying crumbs from the seat before sinking into it.

"I am so proud of you, my future wrestler!" she sighed dramatically, wiping imaginary tears from her eyes. I threw a napkin wad at her.

"Aw, shaddup. Probably worst part of it was when he practically shoved a brochure into my hands. It was as though the world would end if I didn't join the stupid Sharing."

Jenny grew silent at once.

"You mean… the one your dad…"

"The one and only."

Aside from my family, Jenny was the only one I trusted with the details of my father's death.

"I don't blame you for not joining," she nodded, "If I were you I'd sue that stupid group for every penny they got!"

"Too bad you aren't," I mumbled, "If you were then I'd be rolling in cash by now. I doubt they'd listen to a case from a whole year ago, though."

"If you get a good enough lawyer, sure!"

"News Flash: we're not exactly rich."

Jenny just sighed with a slight smile on her face. Looking over my shoulder, however, her smile slowly faded.

"What is it?"

"Look behind you."

I turned and gaped at what I saw. Some boy-a really hot boy, by the way-was leaning over the buffet table, shoveling all the various food items into his mouth. I cringed when he began eating the pepper in handfuls.

"That's so sick," Jenny's disgusted voice sounded behind me but I wasn't listening. I was drawn to the boys who were trying to drag the crazed boy from the buffet table.

It was Marco and that other guy, Jake.

"Ax! Come on! We have to GO!"

"Marco, grab his arms, the security guards are coming!"

Ax? Holy cripes, that was the blue centaur from last night!

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Rachel9466- Damn, someone discovered my secret. (Thanks for the review and stuff, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy and special in my heart! )

reonari- pokes Talk! xD;; I can do humor? Really? Cool! I didn't really like the 'crappy ending' myself. I wouldn't mind it if she made a sequel series or something of the sort. And... well... I know how to do a carrot sign but the whole problem is trying to get them to show up correctly on But thanks for your help and the inspiring review!

LG- Thanks. -don't have much else to say...

The Fuzy Llama- I love your name! cough Anyway... I'm sure nobody will. And yes, since I'm the author I know I'm supposed to know these things but hell... I don't. .. Thanks for the review and such!

LittleMidget- Yay. - I tried to make it more humor than action but I like drama too. I'll just shove 'em all in a blender and see what I get. Thanks so much for the ever-inspiring review!

LORD- I shortened your name and it's LORD. oo Woah... anyway... you can? eyes glisten Tell me more! xD; Only kidding, but thanks for making me feel better. Thanks, I'll try not to do any dramatic character personality switches on everyone and make her all angsty. As for the 'it's been done before' thing... you'll just have to see, but I'm anti-cliche... sooo... I just might turn on you! ) Thanks so much for the review, and being the first one, at that!

By the way, does everyone like the random comments in my character's mind? I tried to base it mostly on my idiotic thoughts but I was worried everyone would get annoyed by them. Questions? Comments? Opinions? Concerns? Critiques? Thanks for reading this far!


	3. Excalibur

Disclaimer: I do not own the Animorphs, only the pervy brother and his entourage, the space-head mom, Sammie and Jenny. I also don't own all the stuff I made references to throughout this chapter.

Me: -basks in the warm of the reviews- I have nothing left to say for now, please go on. J

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"Hey, Sammie? Sam?"

"I'll be right back," I repeated, flashing a V sign. Jen-Jen relaxed, but only a little. You've got to admire her loyalty to her bestest friend in the whole wide world. (Tee-hee…)

Plus I had a habit of getting myself in trouble… but hey, that's not my fault! Not my fault at all…

When I looked back at the group they were already surrounded by security. Fat chance they would escape without a confrontation either. Well, here's my chance to repay them for all they did for me… and stuff.

I slid my cap till the brim faced backwards, hooked my thumbs in the vacant belt loops of my khakis, and sauntered over to the cluster. The security guards paused to look at me as I appeared behind the pretty brunette with pepper smeared over his face. I scowled at him in disproval. He just stared. I made a 'wipe your mouth' gesture discreetly across my face. He just stared. I mouthed 'PEP-PER' at him. He stared.

"For Freddy's sake you idiot pretty boy, wipe your mouth!" I exclaimed, shoving napkins-the same wad I threw at Jen-Jen-in his face. His teeth caught them. Good boy.

I can do some heavy duty acting when need be, and was damn good at it. It was time to that puppy-eyed laced, CD inspired Nagginator 2000 to the test, baby! Yes… Nagginator 2000. My motto: _don't touch the Nagg_.

My eyes were half-lidded, body swaying slightly as if drunk. My demeanor issued the 'Who cares?' attitude.

The tallest guard, aka the leader of the pack and my own pervy brother (yes, the dude I decked in my room the last chapter back was my brother. I guess I failed to mention that. Sorry all you little people out there!), narrowed his eyes.

"What are _you _doing here?" he snarled, his voice drawling. He was drunk. Perfect.

I scrunched up my nose against the nauseating stench of liquor-the stuff smells REALLY nasty, I have liqioursmellidous-and retaliated.

"And what are _you _doing, messing around with my friends like this?"

My voice was as smooth as a softly-whipped smoothie. Like the one I was missing out on right now. It's probably melted by now. Damn.

I gestured towards Marco, the nearest one to me, to further prove my point. Unintentionally our eyes met briefly, and I spotted a sudden glint of recognition in his features. He turned away hastily.

My brother furrowed his brows in confusion, misinterpreting the statement, his ugly face aghast, "I've done no messin' with no friends of yours…"

"Then beat it before you do, you sick child molester," I told him, raising an eyebrow. Holy cripes he was a moron. I'm frillin' GLAD I'm adopted.

He paused, considered my words for a moment and then, finally sure of himself, hurried away with his loyal entourage in tow.

I smirked, mainly to my self, and turned to give my audience a smug look. It faded when I realized that my audience deserted me.

_Those lousy… not even a 'thank you!__ Stupid rich little… when I get my hands on them I'll… doesn't even know how to wipe his stupid mouth…_

Fuming, I stomped back to the table in a huff, draining my smoothie soup in two large gulps. Jenny had her hand over her mouth trying to stifle her laughter, and was careful not to talk to me the rest of the evening. That girl knows me well.

Running a brush absent-mindedly through my brownish-blondish locks I gazed at my reflection with a critic's eye. My eyes stood out from my face like a sore thumb, the blue irises a little too blue, my eyes a little too narrow for my liking. (Thus making it a pain to get my contacts in… damn vision) My face a little too round, not skinny enough (but at least I'm not in the 200s, I have something to be proud of, at least. Hurrah for low expectations!), my hair a little too long, too many freckles on my arms, too pale, nails too stubby and uneven, and shoulders too broad… and yet, I liked it.

Call me crazy, but I liked who I was. It must be my endless amount of optimism. Yeah, that's it. Optimism. Sure.

My brush caught a sudden snare, and I grimaced and yanked on it until it was free, taking a clump of my hair along with it. I'm merciless when it comes to hair.

Die evil snares, die! I shall summon my dandelion peons and attack the ferocious beasts with knives and sporks! Knives and sporks, knives and sporks, who needs forks when your have yer sporks! Knives and sporks, knives and sporks! Lum dee dum dee dum dee dum!

_Tap tap tap..._

I paused, and then resumed my manhunt for rabid tangles.

_Tap tap tap…_

I reached over to crank up the volume on my stereo.

_Tap tap tap…_

I chewed on my lower lip, my expression turning into one of annoyance.

_Tap, tap, TAP!_

"Alright! Who the hell is doing that?!" I screamed into my mirror, whirling around, "What the f-"

-_tap tap tap!_

A bird was tapping intently on my window. My jaw dropped and I stared in disbelief.

-Let me in!- the bird… well, actually it was an owl… demanded. A bird was yelling at me?

-Let me in you stupid girl!-

Whaaat?! The blasted bird insulting ME?

"How dare you admonish ME vermin!" I crowed quoting from my favorite manga and stumbling towards the window and armed with a clothes hanger, "Knives and sporks, knives and-"

_BAM!_

"SAM!"

(Heh heh… BAM! and SAM! … heh heh… they rhyme… uh… ahem… sorry…)

My door burst open, scaring me half to death and causing me to fall over on my rump. My brother stood over me, face as red as a ripe cherry. But this was not a cheery cherry. (You're supposed to laugh there…)

"You… you…" he sputtered, pointing a shaking finger at me. I laughed uneasily. Obviously he remembered the little incident at the mall. It's a bummer beer's effects are only temporary.

Reason was completely out of the question. I knew my brother well, and there was no use trying. Instead, I made a wild dash for the door as he grabbed for me. My arm hit the hinge on the way out, causing me to nearly take a tumble down the stairs.

I had to dive out of the way as my brother _did _roll down the stairs. Woo hoo! Score one for hangovers!

I vaulted over his prostrate form and through the front door. Although it took a good ten seconds for me to figure out that my front door was closed. I blame the adrenaline rush.

My home was no longer safe, considering my inconsiderate mother had decided to abandon me for some guy she met at work. Bah, what caring parent would EVER leave their child in the care of a 23-year-old high school dropout with a friggin' hangover?! Augh!

I needed to kick something. I chose the mailbox. It hurt.

By the time I had reached the end of the next two blocks I was out of breath, leaning against a light post for support. It was times like these I wished I had finished track. Taking the first two days and then dropping out doesn't do much for you. I was a flounder out of water over here. In, out, in, out, in, out… you know you're out of shape when you start reenacting pregnant lady breathing exercises.

With a quick check to make sure nobody was following me-the perv would've only gotten lost anyhow, I chuckled at the thought-I smoothed out my pajama bottoms and considered my options.

Alright, what's a high school girl in her Tinkerbell pajamas supposed to do when she gets kicked out of her house at 10:00 PM? Well, do what she always does, go to Jen-Jen's!

"Oh Jeeeeeeen-Jeeeeee-"

I paused in mid-step. Crap, wasn't Jenny going out with her dad to celebrate his birthday? Wonderful, they're probably staying at a hotel also, seeing that it's Friday and that's what they always do. Who goes out and sleeps in a hotel five miles away from your home? I longed for my bed.

Alright, what other friends owe me something? Hmm… well, I did let Kayla borrow my pencil… ack!

I dived behind the light post as the owl that had caught my attention earlier landed three feet away from where I was standing.

Y'know, I didn't mind it coming into my room. My room was MY domain! MY den! MY lair! Out here I felt vulnerable, alone, and something to gnaw on. Like the mutilated dog bone in my neighbor's front yard little Timmy said I looked like one morning.

What did I have for weapons? I frantically tore apart my pockets but all I discovered was the coat hanger I was holding-I had carried it the entire way-a pile of lint and a stick of gum. Beautiful. I could smother the attack with the lint, rip out his intestines with the wire hanger, and have something to chew on to celebrate my victory later. It was the perfect plan! I'm such a strategist. I should look into NASA someday!

I crouched down, wielding the hanger.

"If you get me through this I will call you Excalibur from now on, promise!" I told it. Then something caught my eye from behind my little light post. The one with '_I Heart M_' carved on it. Yeah, that one. Anyway…

I watched in horror as the owl suddenly melted, donning blue-wait a sec, blue?-fur. Hooves grew in place of talons, and a tail sprouted from its backside with a _SCHOOP! _sound, reminded me of when those evil little buggers burst out of that chick's tummy in _Alien vs. Predator_. It lasted only about a minute or so, perhaps more, but my eyes resembled dinner plates once it was over.

-I will not harm you,- a voice told me. It sounded in my head, the smoothness of the comment almost persuading me to relax. Almost… key word.

"I will not fall for your evil trickery, earth scum!"

Earth scum? That's it, no more SciFi channel for me.

-But I am not of Earth,- the alien said, confused. I was trying to determine if it was the same, nice centaur who let me cling to his leg the other night or the mean one who tried to decapitate me. Dammit, they all look the same!

"I-I know that! I was just trying to fool you to admit you weren't!" I declared, my voice shaking. I am sooo stupid…

He took a step forward, which I mirrored by taking a step backward. I waved the bent hanger-bent from me wringing it nervously from my 'hiding spot'-as menacingly as possible.

"Stay away, don't make me use this!"

He paused, but only for the slightest moment before resuming his approach. He wasn't afraid of the hanger, and it had rust on it and everything! …double damn.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit," I mumbled, backing into a tree by mistake. I had forgotten that two blocks over was an entire forest. I was done for, nobody's gonna hear me scream. This was all his doing! The alien tricked me! It was his genius IQ! I didn't stand a chance! Noooooo!

"Listen centaur boy, if you don't stop now I'm gonna scream! Then people will be running and you'll be locked up in a zoo or in some science lab or something!" I ranted.

He moved faster than I could gauge. In the time it took for a normal person to blink his tail blade, (which I've nicknamed The Evil Rump Blade of Doom) was quivering not an inch from my jugular vein. My knees were shaking but I was pressed up against a tree, which somewhat helped my knocking knees. Fainting now would mean immediate death, for sure.

You think you know fear? Bah, think that when you have your nightly Mountain Dew running down your leg-I'm just kidding about that, by the way-and a foot long scythe ready to send your head rolling into the gutters for some little kid to find later and scar them for all eternity.

-I do not believe you would do such a thing,- he answered calmly, his almond-shaped eyes boring into me.

I gulped.

_Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit._

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_reonari_- Jenny's only popular 'cause I made it popular, everyone decided to copy off of me. –sniffs- It's alright about the carrots thing, I know how you could've assumed that Sammie's IQ measures my own…

Banana: It doesn't?

Me: -thwaps it upside the head- Shaddup.

Thanks for the review!

_SageCitrus_- Cool! A new face! Hi new face! Thanks for the reassurance and the review! –pauses- Wait… Chapman's the vice? Oo; …blast.

_LoRD_- Yay! More random thought assurance! Ack, don't be jealous, it takes too much brain power. ; More than I can handle. Thanks for the review. Ooh! Goody! A story suggestion! –shuffles off to read it-

_LittleMidgett_- Awesome! The third random thought assurance I've gotten! People DO read the comments before the story! –feels special- Superglue… heh heh… -snickers- …I got it… funny funny… -loses cool and falls out of the chair laughing- Oh man, that was funny! Can I use it in an upcoming chapter maybe if it's not copyrighted or anything? J Thanks for sticking around and stuff, it means a lot to me!

_Jenny_- Hey! You're the Jenny that copied my charrie name! –points accusing finger- How dare you… you… you… banana? Oo …nevermind… I was just kidding anyway. Wai!

Lurve… heh heh…. Lurve lurve lurve lurve lurve… -fell in lurve with the word- …ooh… white spirit and stuff… -writes it down for future reference- Thanks for reading!

_AnDa… oh forget it_- Thanks new face numba 2!

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I thank you all triple times and stuff for your reviews! They're like my morning Mountain Dew… they keep me going. Mmm… Code Red… the perfect breakfast! The breakfast of champions! –strikes a pose-


	4. Ebil Blade of Doom

Disclaimer: You know the drill. See the past three chapter's beginnings.

Me: I'm really sorry about the delay. I've been trying to get in one chapter per week, but I sort of fell behind. I'm sorry to anyone who cares! It's just that roleplaying really absorbs more time than I thought when done with a group. Gah. HOW CAN ANYONE POST TWO WHOLE FORUM PAGES IN ONE DAY! …takes me forever to catch up…

**ATTENTION! **I've made a new rule. I'll only post once I get at least four reviews from different people. –laughs evilly- This is my self esteem people, and your comments are the ramen. Feed me! I'm hungry! –grins-

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"Hey, can we please talk about this… or something?" I pleaded, looking back at my captor.

His eyes only narrowed and I sighed and trooped on, getting the idea.

Stupid blue centaurs. After scaring me a bit more by waving around his Evil Rump Blade of Doom, he had prodded me forward, the Evil Rump Blade of Doom poised to strike if I dare disobey him. Bah. I value my existence a bit more than that. If I were gone, who would drive the teacher's crazy? Who would be Jen-Jen's partner in crime, and most importantly, who would eat the rest of the rocky road?

Yup, I prefer my organs and lifeblood inside than out.

Humming to myself, I swayed a little bit to the imaginary music in my head, which turned out to be _Pieces, _by Hoobastank.

"Turn around and pick up the pieces!" I sang loudly, "Sinking till I hit the bottom!"

-Quiet-

"Loser. Oooow!" I cried, clutching my bare foot and falling onto my bum. A blasted stick had penetrated the skin, leaving a bloody hole in its wake. Stupid stick. Stupid slippers for not being here. Stupid stick.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow," I moaned, rocking to and fro, over exaggerating my misery. Of course it hurt like no other, but I wanted to see if the alien did anything about it. He'd probably just lop my head off for being a whiny baby.

I was pleasantly surprised as a crunch of leaves sounded next to me. The alien had stepped up to examine my wound.

-You will need that bound,- he said.

"Gee, you're a real genius," I muttered.

He looked at me puzzlingly, his eyes on top of his head blinking.

-By human standards I am very intelligent,- he clarified.

I rolled my eyes, "Good for you. You're still a loser."

Breaking a stick in half, I attempted to jab the dude's leg with the pointy end. It didn't work.

-Get up,- he ordered. I glared.

"No."

The Evil Rump Blade of Doom was immediately at the back of my neck.

-You will if you value your life-

Sighing, I struggled to my feet, limping a little.

"I'm only doing this for the rocky road, just in case you're wondering."

-What?-

"Never mind."

"Y'know," I said after about an hour of walking. At least, it seemed that way. I didn't have a watch, "I was wondering, what were you planning on doing with me?"

There was no answer, aside from the steady 'crunch crunch' of hooves over the leafed ground.

"Aw, c'mon, I know you talk."

Still no answer.

"Your mamma's a cow."

Nothing.

"Damn, you don't have to impress anybody here, so cut the blasted military attitude. What's the point of acting tough in front of someone you're gonna kill anyway? I can't do much about it from where I'm going."

-You will not be harmed-

"Finally! You said something! You promise I won't be hurt?"

-I promise-

"Hey, that's peachy, and while you're actually speaking to me, what's your name?"

Silence.

"Hey, that's cool. My name's Sammie, by the way."

-I know-

Crud. Out of all the guys that could be stalking me it had to be a creepy blue alien.

"Why? Have you been stalking me or something?" I laughed. I had to shrug off the creepiness. "And if it's about the other night, I haven't told anyone and I promise I won't, if that's what you're worried about."

-It is not that simple-

I swallowed hard, "Um… what do you mean? Hey! You just promised you wouldn't hurt me, remember?!"

No answer.

"Bah, you're no fun anyway."

My foot was killing me. It was so clogged with dirt it was probably infected a million times over by now. I would bleed to death because of that stupid twig. Death by twig. I'm loving it already.

Here I am, a high school kid limping along in the back woods with an armed alien at her back. Could this get ANY worse?

I was suddenly blinded by a massive white light and something-which I expected was the dude's Evil Rump Blade of Doom-smacked into the back of my neck. And then there was nothing.

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LittleMidget: w00t! Code Red! -returns high five, misses and falls onto face- Blast… woo! I get permission to use the superglue thing! Yay! Sporks rock my socks. Bow to the sporks.

Woo! I made you laugh! –poke- Take that! )

Thanks for reviewing! Thanks a whole ton!

LoRD: Yay! My humor isn't cheesy! –dances- Well, I guess you'll just have to suffer more. –jabs finger at short chapter- But I'll try to be better about posting once a week. Promise!

Thanks so much for reviewing! The cheesy humor thing made my day, I was getting worried about that, to be honest!

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Thanks to my two reviewers! I love you guys! Tell you what, you get panda plushies for all your support! –hands them to you all holy-style- Waaai!


	5. Treeville

Disclaimer: I do not own Animorphs. Or Eggo waffles.

Mabby: … after long last… sorry for the... **long **delay everyone. .. also, from now on thoughtspeak will be indicated by text in italics while supported by dashes, like this:

_-Leggo my Eggo-_

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"Oooh… my head…"

_-Be silent-_

"Hey, you can't tell me what to-woah."

Trees, trees, everywhere! It was like… Treeville! And then I realized where I MUST be!

"I'm in Mirkwood! Ohmigod! My obsessive fangirl antics have finally paid off! I thank you, my wonderful Viggo shrine!"

_-Be silent or you will be killed-_

Somebody wasn't playing nice. I twisted my head to see a furry blue leg. I followed it up to see a familiar blue body.

"I thought you said you weren't going to kill me," I inquired, puzzled and a little hurt. That's what the dude said! He promised and everything!

I received a glare. At least, I think it was a glare. It could be a smile of happiness, since primates smile with they're afraid. Maybe these aliens have some backward way of expressing emotion as well. And who could tell, really, when you can only express emotion with your eyes?

An Evil Rump Blade of Doom was suddenly in my face and I stared at it stupidly. I was right, it was a glare.

_-I never said any such thing. I will kill you if you do not be silent-_

I cowered before the blade, utterly mortified. I can't believe the guy turned on me. I had a pounding migraine and everything… I needed Advil.

I was also a little let down that there was no handsome ranger or hoard of blonde-locked elven soldiers leaping from the treetops to save me. Damn you my Viggo shrine… you've betrayed me!

There was a scuffling in the brush to my right, and I had to shove a fist in my mouth to keep from yelling my brains out as one of those bladed raptors emerged. My other fist closed around the bent hanger jammed in my pajama bottom's pocket. It had been poking into my thigh the entire time. But even I wasn't stupid enough to attack something that could slice n' dice me off to the afterlife.

In a series of grunts and dispatched words the owner of the Evil Rump Blade of Doom gestured in my general direction. The raptor fixed me with one of his beady little beetle-shell eyes, swaggering over and hauling me to my feet with one meaty arm. With a little jerk he was half-carrying me, half-dragging me through the trees. It was as though my weight were some annoying flea bite to him, for most of the time I was dancing along the new-fallen leaves (did I mention fall was my favorite season?) trying to regain my footing only to have the ground leave me once again as I was lifted over offending bushes and shrubs. By the time I had a chance to recover on my own two feet again my arm was smarting and I was reeling from pain.

If couldn't of smacked the raptor angrily across the chest I would've thought my arm was dislocated. I know, it was a rather idiotic thing to be going and doing but it sure as hell made _me _feel a whole lot better. He just eyed me with one of those beetle-shell irises of his; looking as though he'd gladly rip me to pieces and gnaw on my intestines if the bipolar blue alien hadn't of shot him a warning glance. It made me wonder briefly what the blue guy did in order to scare these guys-that were more than a foot taller than him-completely shitless. But, from what I had gathered, he was the only one present with an ounce of self-control.

Wait a second. A sudden burst of realization delivered a swift uppercut to memory banks.

"Hey, you're the mean centaur that nearly decapitated me the other night!"

Those large, almond-shaped eyes turned to regard me. He looked angry and as though he were about to answer but decided that it wasn't worth it, which it wasn't. He shot the bladed raptor a look before tensing as though he were concentrating really hard on something.

Another man, clad in a dark, heavy raincoat and sunglasses and looking like some Matrix stunt double emerged from the foliage to my right and turned his head to me briefly. He looked me up at down, at least, that's what his head did. I can never tell with guys wearing sunglasses… and at night, too. He must stub his toe a million times.

An odd sound drew my attention to the blue centaur, and I gasped.

His fur had melted away, leaving only smooth, bare skin in its wake. I watched as the Evil Rump Blade of Doom was eaten away and sucked into his body, followed by two of his legs. Hooves became flesh and slowly took shape into rounded toes. Nails emerged from the tops of the toes, and the legs lengthened to become thighs. It was as though an artist was manipulating him as he would clay, turning an alien centaur into an ordinary man. The transformation wasn't pretty either, and as Mr. Sunglasses offered over clothing I was still shaking my head, rigid with horror.

The… thing paused while buttoning his work shirt, turning to regard me with an intense gaze. The man he became had a delicate face and kind, blue eyes that were thrown completely off by the centaur's icy expression. It was as though the poor man had some demonic presence living inside him and twisting his feature unnaturally… against his will.

"You should be used to this by now, girl, with all your Andalite comrades."

My panic softened to that of confusion and it became evident on my face. _Andalite? W-t-f mate?_

With a flick of his wrist the raptor relinquished his bruising grip and trudged back in the direction he came. Before I had the chance to even consider making a break for it Mr. Sunglasses was at my side, replacing the raptor's grip with his own. His wasn't nearly as bruising, but it was firm and promised little chance of breaking.

"So good of you to join me, I was getting awfully lonely," I remarked dryly, not looking at him.

He grunted as a reply, as though he found my comment amusing but wouldn't dare laugh in the centaur's presence. Har har.

"My Visser," Mr. Sunglasses said as soon as the centaur-turned-man donned some sort of black suit jacket, "This girl is not one of the Andalite bandits."

The 'Visser' turned, and I suddenly blurted:

"Yea, I was just some poor, defenseless human in the wrong place at the wrong time. I won't tell anybody anything, I promise! Can I go home now?"

I remembered that he was called 'Visser Three' that night. That probably meant there were other bad-ass Vissers running around somewhere, freaking people out like the men in polo shirts that hang out at public restrooms. Shit.

Visser Three smiled, not an easy-going smile, no. I didn't think he was capable of that. It was more like an I'd-like-to-eat-your-face kind of smile.

"Oh no, she was seen at the launching," he turned to regard Mr. Sunglasses, "She will join us."

My face drained of color. This did _not _sound good… or legal. Don't I get a choice between the blue and red pill or something?

Mr. Sunglasses, in response, yanked me against him like a child would her favorite stuffed bear. Unfortunately I wasn't manufactured of stuffing, so it hurt. A lot.

After being forcibly hauled-again-through another patch of forest I was sure my arm had about enough of its abuse. It was ready to abandon the rest of my body in Mr. Sunglasses's grip, leaving the rest of me bleeding on the forest floor. Yes, that what I'll do. I'll make Mr. Sunglasses bend over in order to carry two parts of me so I'll make his life a little more complex as my revenge. Maybe he'll develop premature arthritis.

I looked up from my pessimistic revere at the familiar scrape of heated rubber on tar. My eyes could recognize the shape and design of the street before us. A dark car pulled up on our side, and the back passenger door flew open-seemingly of its own will-and Mr. Sunglasses threw me in. I hit the other side of the car with a _thud _, seeing spots from my rather abrupt encounter with the window. I curled up in my corner of the mini Escalade- I realized what this was because this was one of my favorite cars-and scooted as close to the window as possible as Mr. Sunglasses crawled in beside me. Visser Three donned the passenger seat and the driver was some silver-haired, tough-looking old guy, the wrinkles on his face looking as though they were chiseled from stone itself. He glanced at me curiously for a moment in the river view mirror before shifting his attention back to the road.

My shoulders drooped, and, deflated, I gazed sourly out my widow. The old guy was in league with them, he didn't care about me. Mr. Sunglasses and this Visser Three alien-freakazoid guy had it in for me. I was shivering in my pink pajamas in the back of some massive but unoriginal car, which in few to no people will merely look at and go, "Ah-hah! There's a kidnapping in there! Someone call the police!"

That would be beyond luck. Unfortunately luck was not on my side today.

I stuck my bottom lip out, chewing on it with my arms crossed and staring intensely at the window as though I had heat vision.

Damn, I was screwed.


End file.
